Today marks the tenth anniversary of my first miscarriage. I was a 20 year old, newlywed kid. I was over the moon learning that I had gotten pregnant 2 months into our marriage. Then, sitting at my 12 week check up by myself, I felt the floor get sucked through a black hole and my entire world started to cross the event horizon and disappear through that abyss. My shaky trust in God was rocked to its very foundation. I was afraid my husband would love me less because I had lost his child. I was angry. I screamed at God.
It’s been 10 years and I can remember that horrible day as vividly as if I’m living it today. Over the course of 10 years, I’ve been pregnant 6 times and mourned 4 of those babies. I’ve walked the painful path of years of infertility only to see that baby I had begged God for lifeless on the ultrasound screen. But you know what’s different about today and that day 10 years ago? I can say that God is good. He isn’t good in spite of my tragedy and pain, He is good within those things. You see, those losses are how God broke my heart to show me who He truly is. He broke through my pride, my fear, and my selfishness to show me that He loves me and He wants my love in return. He uses my story of pain and suffering to comfort people who are in pain and suffering. Trials are a gift that deepen our faith and connect with people who need Jesus as badly as we do.
Through my greatest sorrow my greatest joy has been born.
Today, I am thankful for my babies, all 6 of them. I am grateful for God seeing me through excruciating pain, both physical and emotional, the ugliness of my sin and my anger, and walking in front of me when I have never felt more lost in my life. Through my greatest sorrow my greatest joy has been born, and I will always praise God for that blessing.